40 At 40

This is a personal story. And a long one. And this is not for everyone either!

Like all personal stories are!

On the morning of my 40th birthday, I found myself sitting quietly, sipping chai (tea) as the sun slowly rose. There was no big party, no grand celebration—just a moment of stillness. And in that stillness, it hit me: life has passed by faster than I ever imagined. It felt surreal, not just because 40 seemed like a distant milestone for so long, but because I had spent most of my life trying to figure things out—mostly by getting them wrong.

This reflection isn’t about regret but about understanding. The mistakes I made, sometimes repeatedly, weren’t failures; they were hard-earned lessons. Life is rarely a straight path, and the missteps along the way shape who we become. At 40, I feel less urgency to "get it right." Instead, I feel a deep desire to make peace with the person these 40 years have shaped.

As I look back, I see 30 mistakes—big and small—that have shaped the contours of my life. Each one was a lesson, an insight that has carved out the person I am today. And as I look ahead to the future, I carry with me 10 lessons that I now hold as truths, principles that will guide me through the rest of my journey.

Early Years (0-10): Innocence, Ignorance, and Growth

The first decade of life feels like a blank canvas. You're absorbing everything, and often, the mistakes are innocent—shaped more by the world around you than your own intentions. But even in those early years, the seeds of future behaviours are planted.

• Mistake 1: Blindly following others.
  As a child, I didn’t question much. I followed the lead of friends and adults, trusting that they knew better. I didn’t realize I was starting a pattern—one where I let others define my path instead of finding it myself.
• Mistake 2: Ignoring curiosity.
  There were countless moments when I felt wonder—about nature, about how things worked, about life itself. But instead of exploring those curiosities, I let them pass. I didn’t yet understand that curiosity is the fuel for growth and learning.
• Mistake 3: Seeking approval from authority figures.
  Early on, I realized that when I did well in school or behaved in a certain way, I received praise from adults. And I began to crave that approval. This need for validation from others would become a trap later in life, as I learned to rely on external praise instead of internal confidence.
• Mistake 4: Avoiding discomfort.
  As a child, I avoided anything that felt too hard or uncomfortable—whether it was learning a new skill, facing fears, or dealing with emotional pain. I didn’t realize then that discomfort is the birthplace of growth.
• Mistake 5: Not learning patience.
  I wanted everything right away, whether it was understanding something or getting what I wanted. I had no concept of the value of patience—the art of letting things unfold in their own time.

These early mistakes were subtle. They didn’t feel significant at the time, but they planted seeds. They shaped how I approached the world, how I sought validation, how I dealt with discomfort. And those seeds would grow in new ways as I entered adolescence, where the struggle for identity would bring about even more complex mistakes.

Adolescence (10-20): Identity, Rebellion, and Missteps

Adolescence is a battlefield. It’s a time when you begin to question everything—yourself, your surroundings, your identity. But in that questioning, there’s often more confusion than clarity. I was struggling to fit in, to figure out who I was, but without any real direction.

• Mistake 6: Trying to fit in with the crowd.
  I remember vividly how desperately I wanted to belong. I bent myself to fit into groups that didn’t share my values. I followed trends, adopted opinions, and even compromised parts of myself, just to feel accepted. In hindsight, I see now that trying to fit in only made me lose sight of who I was.
• Mistake 7: Taking relationships for granted.
  I had friends and family who supported me, but I assumed they’d always be there. I didn’t nurture those relationships, thinking they didn’t need much effort. I didn’t realize that relationships, like plants, need constant tending to grow.
• Mistake 8: Thinking short-term.
  As a teenager, my decisions were focused on immediate gratification—whether it was friendships, schoolwork, or opportunities. The long-term consequences didn’t seem to matter, and I often chose the easy path over the right one.
• Mistake 9: Overconfidence masking insecurity.
  In my late teens, I adopted an attitude of overconfidence. I thought I knew more than I did and let arrogance guide my actions. But underneath, that confidence was fragile, built more on appearances than substance.
• Mistake 10: Fear of rejection.
  I let the fear of rejection hold me back in so many areas—whether it was relationships, opportunities, or personal challenges. I hesitated to step out of my comfort zone because the possibility of failure or rejection felt too threatening.
• Mistake 11: Confusing knowledge with wisdom.
  I was a good student, accumulating facts and information. I thought that knowing things made me wise. But wisdom, as I would later learn, is far deeper than knowledge—it’s about understanding how to live well, not just knowing the right answers.
• Mistake 12: Emotional impulsiveness.
  My emotions often ran high, and I didn’t have the tools to manage them. I reacted impulsively, letting anger, frustration, or fear dictate my actions. I didn’t yet know how to pause, reflect, and respond with intention.

My teenage years were marked by a constant tug-of-war between wanting to fit in and wanting to be myself. The mistakes I made then were shaped by the pressure to find an identity in a world that felt overwhelming. But as I moved into adulthood, the stakes became higher, and my mistakes carried more weight.

Early Adulthood (20-30): Ambition, Misjudgement, and Hard Lessons

My twenties were all about ambition. I was driven, focused on building a career, relationships, and a future. But in the process, I made critical mistakes. I thought I knew what success looked like, but my definition of it was flawed. I chased the wrong things and learned hard lessons along the way.

• Mistake 13: Prioritizing career over personal relationships.
  In my pursuit of professional success, I put work above everything else—friends, family, even my health. I believed that once I achieved certain milestones, I’d have time to fix everything. But relationships don’t wait, and by neglecting them, I lost important connections along the way.
• Mistake 14: Chasing money instead of meaning.
  I was focused on making money, believing that financial success would bring fulfilment. I took jobs that didn’t inspire me because they paid well. But with each pay check, I felt more hollow. I learned that wealth without purpose is an empty pursuit.
• Mistake 15: Confusing busyness with productivity.
  My days were packed with tasks, meetings, and projects. I felt accomplished because I was always busy, but in reality, I wasn’t moving closer to my true goals. Busyness became a distraction from what really mattered.
• Mistake 16: Overestimating time.
  I thought I had plenty of time to make things right—time to nurture relationships, time to pursue passions, time to take care of my health. But time slipped away faster than I anticipated, and I found myself regretting the things I kept postponing.
• Mistake 17: Not investing early.
  Whether it was financially or personally, I didn’t think long-term. I didn’t invest in habits, relationships, or experiences that would compound over time. I was focused on immediate rewards rather than building something sustainable.
• Mistake 18: Letting ego drive decisions.
  Many of the decisions I made in my twenties were influenced by ego. I wanted recognition, status, and validation from others. I sought external markers of success, only to realize that they were fleeting and unsatisfying.
• Mistake 19: Miscommunication.
  I often assumed people knew what I meant or understood my intentions, but I wasn’t clear in my communication. This led to misunderstandings, both in my personal and professional life, because I didn’t take the time to express myself fully.
• Mistake 20: Ignoring self-care.
  I pushed through exhaustion, sacrificing my physical and mental health for the sake of ambition. I believed that success required grinding through the discomfort. But in neglecting self-care, I burned out and realized that health is non-negotiable.
• Mistake 21: Entering relationships without self-awareness.
  I entered relationships for the wrong reasons—seeking validation or distraction rather than true connection. I wasn’t fully aware of my own emotional needs, and I expected others to fill gaps that I hadn’t filled within myself.

The mistakes of my twenties were eye-opening. They taught me that success, money, and recognition were not the answers to fulfilment. But those lessons didn’t fully crystallize until I entered my thirties, a decade that brought more clarity and deeper reflection.

Mature Adulthood (30-40): Clarity, Reflection, and Self-Awareness

By the time I entered my thirties, life began to make more sense. The urgency of my twenties gave way to a calmer, more reflective approach. But that doesn’t mean I stopped making mistakes. In fact, some of the hardest lessons came during this decade, but they were more about internal struggles than external missteps.

• Mistake 22: Not saying “no” enough.
  I struggled with overcommitment, saying “yes” to too many projects, obligations, and people. My energy was spread thin, leaving little time for what truly mattered. I learned the hard way that focus, and discernment are essential.
• Mistake 23: Underestimating the power of small habits.
  I ignored how the little things compound over time. Small bad habits slowly accumulated, and I didn’t fully commit to the positive ones that could have created lasting change. I learned that small actions, repeated consistently, have a profound impact.
• Mistake 24: Waiting for the "right time."
  I often postponed important decisions, telling myself I was waiting for the perfect moment or the right conditions. But that moment never came, and opportunities passed me by. I realized that the “right time” is often now.
• Mistake 25: Failing to deeply listen.
  I heard people, but I didn’t always listen. I was quick to offer solutions or advice, without fully understanding their deeper emotions or needs. I realized that true listening is an act of presence and empathy.
• Mistake 26: Struggling to let go of control.
  I wanted to control outcomes and direct the course of my life. But the harder I held on, the more frustrated I became. Life has its own rhythm, and I learned that sometimes, letting go is the only way to find peace.
• Mistake 27: Overcommitting.
  I took on too much, believing I could handle it all. But overcommitting drained my energy and left me unable to give my best to anything. I learned that saying “no” is sometimes the most powerful thing you can do for yourself and others.
• Mistake 28: Holding onto grudges.
  I carried resentment, believing that anger would somehow balance the scales of past wrongs. But I soon realized that grudges only weigh down the person carrying them. Letting go of anger was the only way to free myself.
• Mistake 29: Resisting change.
  I clung to what was familiar, even when it no longer served me. I resisted transitions—whether in work, relationships, or personal growth—out of fear of the unknown. But change is inevitable, and resisting it only prolongs discomfort.
• Mistake 30: Delaying inner work.
  I postponed the difficult process of self-discovery, thinking I could deal with it later. But life eventually forced me to confront my internal struggles. Inner work is essential, and I learned that postponing it only creates more pain down the road.

As I look back on my thirties, I see a period of greater clarity and introspection. I was more aware of my own patterns and behaviours, but awareness didn’t always translate into action. These mistakes were subtle, but their impact was deep. They shaped the lessons I now carry forward into the next phase of life.

10 Lessons to Carry Forward

After four decades of life, these are the lessons I’ve come to hold as truths. They’re not just insights—they’re principles I will live by for the rest of my life. These lessons are the result of the mistakes, missteps, and reflections that have brought me to where I am today.

1. Embrace impermanence.
   Everything changes. Life is fluid, and resisting change only creates suffering. Accepting the ebb and flow of life brings peace and resilience. Nothing is permanent, and that's a good thing.
2. Happiness is a choice.
   For years, I believed happiness was something you earned—something you achieved through success or recognition. But I’ve learned that happiness is a mindset, a choice you make each day. It’s about focusing on what you have, not what you lack.
3. Time is your most valuable resource.
   Time is the only thing you can’t get back. Money, success, and possessions come and go, but once time is spent, it’s gone forever. I’ve learned to treat time as the most precious resource and to invest it wisely with people and pursuits that truly matter.
4. Learn to love solitude.
   Solitude isn’t loneliness—it’s a space for reflection and self-discovery. It’s in moments of stillness that the deepest insights emerge. I’ve come to cherish my time alone, where I can connect with my inner self and find clarity.
5. Freedom comes from detachment.
   True freedom isn’t about having more—it’s about needing less. When you detach from outcomes, desires, and external validation, you find an inner peace that isn’t swayed by the highs and lows of life. Detachment is the key to real freedom.
6. Prioritize health.
   Without physical, mental, and emotional health, nothing else matters. Health is the foundation upon which everything else in life is built. I’ve learned that success is hollow if it comes at the expense of your well-being.
7. Relationships are the real wealth.
   The people you love and who love you in return are your greatest assets. Nurture those relationships, because they are the true measure of a life well-lived. No amount of money or success can replace the value of deep, meaningful connections.
8. Don’t let ego drive your actions.
   Decisions made from ego are empty. True success comes from aligning with your values, not from seeking recognition or approval. I’ve learned that the pursuit of external validation leads to hollow victories.
9. Be present.
   The past is gone, and the future is uncertain. The only real moment is now. Practicing mindfulness and being fully present in each experience is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and others.
10. Focus on compounding.
    Whether it’s knowledge, habits, or relationships, small investments made consistently over time create exponential results. Success isn’t about grand gestures—it’s about the steady, incremental growth that comes from compounding over time.

As I look back at 40, I don’t see a life filled with regrets. I see a life filled with lessons—hard-earned, but invaluable. Each mistake, each misstep, has shaped the person I’ve become. And while I can’t change the past, I carry these lessons with me into the future.

The next decade isn’t about chasing external success or validation. It’s about living with intention, nurturing relationships, and practicing detachment from outcomes. The mistakes of the past are behind me, but their lessons will guide me forward. And I invite you to reflect on your own journey—what mistakes have shaped you? What lessons will you carry forward?

Life isn’t about avoiding mistakes; it’s about learning from them, growing through them, and using them as the foundation for a better future. Here’s to the next 40 years—hopefully with fewer mistakes, but no less growth.

I'm 40 years old and I know myself now. And so, if you love me, love me, and if you don't love me, that's your loss.